I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
