Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
