Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize