Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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