i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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