i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Randomize
