I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
