I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
