NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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