I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
