sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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