I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
