Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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