I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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