just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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