see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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