i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
