did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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