Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
