She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
