Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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