I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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