It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
