Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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