I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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