I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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