My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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