I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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