I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
