Swine flu. Run for my life!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
