People in love make me want to vomit
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
