If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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