It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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