I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
