My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
