I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
