I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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