I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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