My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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