i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
