he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize