The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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