i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
