You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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