I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
