Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
