I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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