mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
