Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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