I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
