All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
