the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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