I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
