this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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