Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
