I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
