Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
