Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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