Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
