I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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