Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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