somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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