oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
