Umm I'm too high to move.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
