she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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