In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She bit a glass in half.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
