There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
