i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
