I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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