Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
