i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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