I'm gonna have a badass scar
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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